2020 started out with me in a very sloppy state at a family friend’s New Year’s party in Connecticut because I missed someone that I loved very much. My career and professional life were going very well but my personal life was falling apart. I wasn’t happy with the choices people were making around me and the lifestyle they chose to lead. I tried to be supportive, but I just couldn’t find the respect that I needed to carry on with those relationships. I wanted better for them, expressed it, and was met with resistance. It was more complicated than that, of course, but I could not stand by in silence especially when it was really hurting me too. This leads me to my first realization of 2020. You can’t change people who don’t see a problem with their actions and who are not internally motivated to make a change for themselves.
We then came March 2020 and the world literally shut down. I immediately went into a hunker-down mode. That’s when many of my close relationship dynamics began to shift and things became really unbearable on many levels. I was trying to hold onto a friendship that I really valued while also being absolutely fed up with that person. I shut myself down completely and all I could focus on was work–my salvation but I felt so alone. I loved this person and saw them as family. We made a promise to always be in each other’s lives and he was my ride or die for years. I really believed when he said that he would always be there for me and I really meant it when I said it back. I realize now that his words are unfortunately null and void. I can only hope that the choices he’s making to better himself pay off. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for him and everyone else in my life. This leads me to my second realization of 2020. Your the only one that you really have. You have to pick yourself up and find the strength to carry on for yourself. Period.
This experience has been invaluable to my growth. I always used to lean and rely way too much on other people to help and to “heal” me. I realize now that living alone, being “on my own,” the very thing that terrified me the most was ironically what I needed to put myself back together. This leads me to my third realization of 2020. Do the things that you’re most terrified of and follow your gut, you’ll find that this is where the most rewarding opportunities are.
I was extremely lucky to only go on unemployment for 2 weeks in April and have been very fortunate to be employed ever since with one slight change. I would be working 4 days per week instead of 5. I saw this as an opportunity to spend my extra day building a marketing consulting business. I was able to meet my first client Sarah Harrington Real Estate at Coldwell Banker Hickok & Boardman via a mutual connection. I pitched a formal marketing proposal to her, negotiated the terms, wrote my first legal contract, and created my first invoice. I couldn’t have done it without extensive Googling, lots of late nights, early mornings, and the support from my family: my mom and my cousin Jean. I learned so much throughout this whole process. It was absolutely amazing to get this opportunity which has done nothing but open doors for me. Sarah has given me something that is priceless: the courage to start my own business.
It was in July that my world flipped completely upside down and the shit winds really started to blow at 1,000 miles per hour. My nearly 5-year long relationship had come to an end. It was heartbreaking, devastating, and traumatic on a lot of levels. I hurt one of the kindest people I have ever met in my life. I won’t forgive myself for that. I’ll live with this feeling for the rest of my life and it really hurts. I really thought I would marry this person and our relationship was happy for years. We, unfortunately, couldn’t take the next step in our relationship because we had grown apart and had different life goals. I held onto hope that things would change and that we would be able to have our happily ever after for years, but that took its toll on me.
The hopeless romantic in me, unfortunately, found something even more hopeless than that. I finally woke up and realized that it was time to let go. I needed to allow myself to finally be happy again instead of waiting around in absolute misery hoping that something would happen and that things would radically change. I will always love that person like family for the rest of my life even if we never speak another word to each other of which I could never blame him for at all.
This experience opened my eyes to romantic relationships and forever shifted my perspective. This leads me to my fourth realization of 2020. I’m not sure if I ever want to commit to a marriage or children. I really thought that I would marry this person. I was entirely convinced of it and for years we were really happy. I can’t believe how dramatically things can change. It’s unfathomable for me to think about marrying someone and it not working out especially if children are involved. As of right now, I have absolutely no intention of starting a long-term romantic relationship. I have deleted all dating apps from my desperation downloading days which are now long gone. I am instead choosing to focus on taking care of myself and running my business. I know the type of love that I need and I have promised myself to wait for it.
July was also when my now best friend came into my life pretty consistently. I have always been skeptical and distrusting towards women as many have burned me in the past. We had known each other years beforehand but, we never really got that close yet always thought we would make good friends. It turns out we were right! She changed my perspective of friendships with women and now, especially being single, I prefer female friendships to male ones. She later introduced me to her roommate and we literally instantly hit it off and she became like a sister to me too. I lucked out with the timing that they entered my life. Despite only being close for a short period of time, they both rallied together to get me out of my hovel of an apartment and into a beautiful new apartment. I’ll never forget the kindness and generosity that they showed me during that time especially when I felt like I truly did not deserve it. This experience was the glue that stuck us all together and I absolutely love them so much. This leads me to my fifth realization. A true friend is someone who will always love you despite your imperfections and decisions made.
August was one of the hardest yet most healing periods of my life. I was in my own apartment and finally started to process everything that happened. I mean like processing stuff from as early back as pre-school to the present. There were nights where I had to literally give myself a hug and tell myself it would be okay. This processing had to happen because as I continued to work hard, to focus on taking care of myself, and staying strong I started feeling better. I was like, “Wow, I really can do this on my own.” That was an earth-shattering revelation for me because I had spent all of my life leaning on other people for validation and support. This was really the first time I was doing both of those things for myself and it’s the most empowering feeling I have ever felt. This leads me to my sixth realization. The saying is true: “The woman who does not require validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet” (Mohadesa Najumi).
By the end of August, my confidence started to go up and I was in the swing of things. I was loving my new apartment and consulting position. I was running every day, meditating, doing yoga, spending time with friends, video calling my parents to tell them I love them more often, singing my heart out, dancing, road tripping, camping, and swimming. The happiness was pouring out of my soul like a waterfall and everyone could see it. I was now crying about being so grateful. I couldn’t believe how happy I was and I felt guilty for it despite having worked so hard to have a life that I love. It was a very confusing and overwhelming sensation. I was feeling seemingly every single emotion all at once.
This leads me to my seventh realization. I am a good person with a genuine heart. I love people deeply and once they’ve entered my heart I’m not entirely convinced that I can completely let them go for good. I am an imperfect person who deserves to be happy and who will stand at her reckoning day to take accountability for her actions.
I am in a very good place and leaving a lot of darkness behind in 2020. I am going into 2021 feeling optimistic, determined, motivated to succeed, confident, and capable of much more than I ever thought possible. It is my intention to be honest and to follow my heart in this new year. I’m ready for this new chapter and would love to have you come along for the ride with me. Cheers to a new year filled with infectious enthusiasm, positivity, passion, creativity, laughter, and joy!
